Gotta Get Out of This Place

I realize that I can't keep up this pace for long. I'm working like crazy, saying "yes" to so many obligations. I'm not even writing them down. I know I'm gonna not show up or mess up somewhere. Oh well. I'm like a dog just watchin the door, waiting to go outside. I leave for nyc in a week. Then I'll let go. everything up till that point I"m just working towards it. whew!

birthday bullshit

'I found this and I want to say that I don't really think it is about me. Yes, I care but.. not that much. Clouds and roses? Should be lions and whiskey.

Your Birthdate: FebrI founduary 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you.Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first.You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world.An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

I don't like my computer

I just wrote a really short entry that took way way way too long to write with my totally broken keyboard. This is how Reel Grrls made me feel about media by the time we were done. It was a wonderful experience that I'll write more about later. Did I mention that I'm mad about my computer. Ack.

The way you evolve,

It is soooo November right now. The rain has been constant since Halloween clicked over into one a.m. Today it's almost sleet outside, with wind and fat raindrops falling hard against my roof. The sound of those big drops of water keep me up at night. When they hit the skylight it makes this amplified raindrop sound, "Thunk!" It's really cold.
Just so I can bathe in the delights of winter, I'm leaving to go camp up in Stanwood, WA this weekend. I leave at three. I'm not sure, I know we'll be in cabins but whether or not they are heated remains to be seen. If there isn't coffee I'm leaving. I know that much.
Two things: My first love contacted me the other day. Out of the blue. It's probably been 4?5? years? I was stunned at how much time has changed/healed old wounds. How your heart eventually evolves. I used to care sooo much and now, well, it's just nice to hear that he's doing well. No feelings beyond that really. Maybe a rumble though. Jess and I were led to the converstation the other night: what would it take to make those first love feelings come flooding back? And do you ever have that feeling again? Or is it just the first time love happens to you? More so, is love better when you do so without abandon? Is first love so explosive simply because you don't know what you're in for?
Also, I'm dealing with that part of the relationship now that I like to refer to as the Irkel syndrome. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him. Like the oldest girl in Family Matters - remember? Irkel drove her nuts until he got his own nerdy girlfriend. Just sayin: I have to constantly remind myself, I was with my boyfriend for two years. I left him to be with someone else. I left because of more than that to be fair, that was just a distraction. Long story short; I adore Ben and I want him to be happy. I'm just not sure I would want to be friends with his new girlfriend.
Then again... I imagine a few years from now it won't matter.

Don't assume

This last week has taught me alot about images. About how things are almost never what they seem. I'm learning that I can't really assume anything about anyone. We are all contradictions with several stories and many secrets. The best friends are fighting over the same girl, the hot couple hasn't had sex in months, the manager is scared they don't know what they are doing, there are so many layers to every relationship and person. The wife knows about the girlfriend all along, the pretty girl was always the ugly one, it goes on and on...

Sometimes is scary to look forward but it might be scarier to look back...

When I was in college I was assigned to keep a journal for my acting classes. I look back now and wonder, was I supposed to be keeping a writen dialogue about what I had learned in class that day or what I was thinking about during that class. No matter now. I wrote about the latter.
I look back at those diaries frequently in my adult life. I recall all the wonderful things and the horrible terrible things happening to me at that time. The pangs of your first love, the horror when that first love relationship ends, the sweetness of independence, the hunger pains because you have to eat ramen because books cost 200 dollars. An awesome time.
I think that is what I want when I think of changing my life and moving to New York. I'm looking forward to new and hard experiences. I understand that they are what makes me who I am . I am glad for the struggle. I will drink it up and swallow it and know that it makes me more of the woman I want to be. I can see her but I must make changes in my life to manafest her.
I leave for New York in three weeks. I'm pretty sure that this short vacation will change my maliaize. My passivness. Sometimes I feel as though I am letting my life happen to me instead of making it happen. Life is living me instead of me living my life. I want to LIVE. I want to have LIFE!
Anyway, I was reading those diaries today and the result was two fold: I need to write more about my life. I need to journalize not only to get stuff on paper (well computer screen in this case) but also to look back on and learn from later. I also learned that I wanted more for myself in 1998. I expected to be in a different place in 2005 than I am right now. Do I sit back and write about who I want to be in 2010 or do I learn something from my life and START TO WALK TOWARD THE POINT I WANT TO REACH? I'm going to start the journey.