Merry Christmas

It's Christmas 2005. My mother's house is so clean.
Year in review:
1. I went to Burningman for my third year
2. I was in New Orleans 5 days BEFORE hurricane Katrina
3. Went to New York City
4. Started selling clothing I have designed and built
5. Gained several new friends
6. Moved into my own little cottage which I love, love, love
7. Worked on a radio show, filmed two independents, did 1448, started working with Stimulus, did one play and one review
8. Mom and Dad are healthy and happy
9. Added another dog to the family
10. Taught workshops for Reel Girls

I'm going to use this alone moment to write this. On a computer that has "h" and G buttons that work. I need to fix mine.
Anyway, I'm in NYC now. I've been here for a week. I go back to seattle tonight. I'm so full of conflicting feelings right now. Really and truly don't know what to do and think that the only way to make a desision now is to simply let myself be compeled. Perhaps all I really need is a change of scenery. Not an entire life change. But I guess to the two are symbiotic.
I like it here. It is very different from home and reminds me of certain cities I've been to in Europe. I like the fast pace. That rythmn suits me just fine. It's all the details of life that remain so daunting. The where to live. The how to pay for it. The excepting a dead end job to pay for it. I guess I have that job in seattle too so...

I've been having huge waves of inspiration. Watercolors, ipod socks, photography, nia, yoga, dance classes, tap classes, sewing classes, pattern making workshops, figure drawing. You name it. I want to do it all. It's too bad there isn"t a way for me to move here and just play for awhile. But that's not true or possible anywhere (unless you have a rich daddy) especially here where condoms are fifteen dollars a box. I can't even afford to have sex here. Hrrumph.

Life is all about change. And I can see how some people just get tired or don't have courage and become something they didn't plan. Maybe something they don't like. I could have a perfectly happy life in seattle. I could settle down and get a dog. Live in a house with a yard and we'd have our friends over for barbeques of the weekends. I could do that. But I'd always wonder what had happened to the spirit inside of me that wanted just a little bit more. I'd wonder if she was on a subway or pulling late nights in a theatre or in a studio. I even ask myself now: do I have the courage to be here?