The way you evolve,

It is soooo November right now. The rain has been constant since Halloween clicked over into one a.m. Today it's almost sleet outside, with wind and fat raindrops falling hard against my roof. The sound of those big drops of water keep me up at night. When they hit the skylight it makes this amplified raindrop sound, "Thunk!" It's really cold.
Just so I can bathe in the delights of winter, I'm leaving to go camp up in Stanwood, WA this weekend. I leave at three. I'm not sure, I know we'll be in cabins but whether or not they are heated remains to be seen. If there isn't coffee I'm leaving. I know that much.
Two things: My first love contacted me the other day. Out of the blue. It's probably been 4?5? years? I was stunned at how much time has changed/healed old wounds. How your heart eventually evolves. I used to care sooo much and now, well, it's just nice to hear that he's doing well. No feelings beyond that really. Maybe a rumble though. Jess and I were led to the converstation the other night: what would it take to make those first love feelings come flooding back? And do you ever have that feeling again? Or is it just the first time love happens to you? More so, is love better when you do so without abandon? Is first love so explosive simply because you don't know what you're in for?
Also, I'm dealing with that part of the relationship now that I like to refer to as the Irkel syndrome. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him. Like the oldest girl in Family Matters - remember? Irkel drove her nuts until he got his own nerdy girlfriend. Just sayin: I have to constantly remind myself, I was with my boyfriend for two years. I left him to be with someone else. I left because of more than that to be fair, that was just a distraction. Long story short; I adore Ben and I want him to be happy. I'm just not sure I would want to be friends with his new girlfriend.
Then again... I imagine a few years from now it won't matter.